Dude, Where’s my Bike?

There comes a time in everyone’s life where things start to go slightly pear-shaped. And no, I’m not talking about that mid-life crisis where you start to put a few pounds on that somewhat youthful looking waist. That’s not happened. Yet, at least ;) What I mean is that certain things don’t go as smoothly as perhaps they should and if I’m honest, I didn’t expect it to happen this early in my life. What I am talking about, I hear you cry? Well for lack of a better name, let’s call it ‘forgetfulness’. Simply put, the grey matter between my ears has simply appeared to stop functioning. Perhaps it has something to do with all this fresh air whilst cycling, which is sometimes VERY fresh indeed let me tell you!!

My brain seems to totally overreact to this abundance of air and forgets things, namely where in the good lord’s name did I put my bike.

I wish it were funny, but I’ve estimated I spend more time looking for the thing than actually riding it. The time spent looking for the ‘Fennell Fiets’ (Fiets is Dutch for bike, by the way. You pronounce it like FEETS my fellow English readers) goes up depending on the amount of beers in the blood stream. Now, there was one horrible, horrible night where I couldn’t for the life of me remember where I put the god damned contraption. After at least 30mins of desperately searching I gave up and trundled off homeward bound until I was rather heroically picked up by some fellow international students. When I say picked up, what I mean is that I was told to pedal, whilst the passenger sat happily on the back...

The most irritating part of this story is that my bike was in the very next row of bike racks, to the ones which I was harassing in order to find it. Definitely a D'oh moment... An interesting trail of thoughts goes through your head when trying to find that illusive bike... The first thought isn’t, ‘oh no, somebody has stolen my bike!’ No, far from it. It’s actually: Right, which bike doesn’t have a lock on it..? For the record I’ve not stolen a bike and do not intend to :) I need some sort of neon lighting to aid me in my quest to find it. Or perhaps a Fiets-Jeeves who I could call to collect me when I want to go home. That would be marvellous. All I know is that it seems to happen on a regular basis - even during the day. After playing squash I come out to find that bike and I just have no idea where it is...! Popping to the shops too. On exit, it takes some effort to remember where it is! I need to draw maps from now on...

The name of my bike is ‘Gazelle’. And no, I didn’t make that up; that’s what it says on the side. Apparently it is a common makes of bike here in the Netherlands, just like the Gazelle is one of the most common animals in Africa.

According to Wikipedia, ‘Gazelles are known as swift animals, able to maintain speeds as high as 50 miles per hour!’ Splendid. If only someone would tell my bike that. It rides more like a gazelle that’s been eaten by a lion and then spat back out. Even 5 miles an hour would be a miracle for this sorry excuse for a Gazelle. The gear change is close to non-existent and if it does happen, it’s more by luck than anything else. You could be calmly trotting down the big red cycle path when suddenly: BANG! You’re back in the top gear. Surprises all round then. You do actually live up to your name though as I think you enjoy running around like a Gazelle whilst I'm not there and move yourself to another spot, thus causing all my problems! We could, however, also mention the two flat tyres.

Though that’s probably my fault. But I’m British so I’ve got to blame someone else: the Fennell Fiets it is then. So proud, I put my name on it? Nah, I just adore alliteration.

I have one more thing to say: Gazelle 246, you’ve let your fellow Gazelles down, you’ve let me down, but most of all, you’ve let yourself down. If I didn’t need you right now to cover the marathon distance between my ‘house’ (that’s a whole other story) and the university, I would quite happily feed you to the lions. Oh hang on; even they don’t want you...